Autoimmune disease

Have been looking for a meme that summarizes how I feel on a regular basis, dealing with autoimmune diseases. I have yet to find one that speaks the truth. Perhaps only a novel or textbook would help explain what people with autoimmune disorders go through. On good days, I kick ass and take names, while having pain. On bad days, I wake up exhausted and hurt too badly to make it out of bed before hunger sets in.

Today, I am way more tired than I should be. I have way less motivation than a normal person. I hate that I feel this way. What is more painful than the day-to-day, is accepting that the health conditions that I struggle with, have no cure. This is the 2nd or 3rd attempt at this blog because I just got too tired. Sounds funny. It's the truth, I watched my husband clean and reorganize the basement yesterday. I was so thankful that he did it, that task would have taken me months. My brain didn't even process what he did because I would never have the energy to complete it. Autoimmune diseases are more often than not, something that other people cannot measure. I remember my mom being frustrated when I was a kid because the school nurses and teachers didn't understand. I remember her saying, "Just because you don't have a broken bone that they can see, doesn't mean it's not real."

You can't measure the pain that I feel, you can't measure the fatigue, unless it's measured by days... I spend a lot of days tired. I have to work harder than the "well" person because I am fighting my own body. I will literally wake up and be exhausted. I lift weights religiously. I fight my body every day at the gym. I love lifting, the gym is my source of freedom. The gym is my sanctuary. When I miss days, I feel depressed. I can release my frustrations, at that moment by body has to do what I want it to. What a reprieve from normal life. I am 26 years old with arthritis damage to my joints, it has become painful and difficult for me to use my hands. This is without the added pain of Fibromyalgia. My dear sister refers to my fingers as "Harry Potter Wands." Gotta' love sisters! and Harry Potter fans!

I saw a video today about people with chronic illnesses and it inspired me to think on my, stuff. I don't want people to feel sorry for me because most day I can handle my shit. I work around the weaknesses and build myself up. I change the way I perform exercises. Some days I have to play with my daughter less. Sometimes I a jealous of my husband because he can function regularly, on a day to day basis. I hate my body sometimes. I want to lift heavier and harder, I can't. I love that I have become more in touch with my body and its needs. I wish I would have listened to my body sooner. Yes, I still struggle, almost daily. No, I don't feel sorry for myself. I mentioned in a previous blog that maybe I chose this for myself.

I had a conversation with my Dad about a month back. I was in tears, so fed up with my body. We went back and forth about how I handle it. I mentioned how unfair I think it is that I care for my body and treat it how I should and I am stuck with illnesses that I can do nothing to change. (like my small boobs. if there were an exercise I could do to make them bigger, I would have) Sometimes you can't fix everything. At the end of my rant and tears he told me that maybe I will be the one to find a cure... Then it hit me, "maybe he's right." Maybe I chose to suffer through this because I will be the one to find a resolution. Maybe not. The fact remains that as long as I do not allow these illnesses to beat me, I am winning.

There is nothing that I can do about the cards that I have already been dealt. I can continue to present myself as a champion and lift myself above the terrible days. I know that if you are reading this and struggle with illness, addiction, or a vice of any kind... you are working toward being a better person and maybe some days you want to give up. Some days I don't have a choice. Sometimes I have to let my daughter watch the Ipad for a few hours because I have nothing left within me. Sometimes I have to put my illnesses first. That's ok. It's ok to breathe and do whatever you have to do to maintain yourself.